3/6/2019
You’ve been on my mind a lot today. Today you turn 40 years old.
I remember when Mama was pregnant with you. I remember Deron and I discussing it in the middle bedroom in the trailer. We didn’t know what was happening. Mama had been going to the doctor quite a bit and we were scared something was bad wrong with her. Then I remember the day you were born. I was in 2nd grade in Ms. Johnson’s room when PawPaw came to tell me I had a sister. I was so excited. I remember packing you around on my hip like you were my baby. I remember washing your diapers. I remember people thinking you were a baby boy and being upset about that. I remember the family going to church in the Buick and you saying, “Mama you’re pretty in the dark.”
I remember you tagging behind me to church, to town, and being aggravated that you wanted to go everywhere with me. I remember how you made up your own crazy dress days to mimic my high school days. You had your own style and you didn’t care what anyone thought.
When I left for college, you would come visit which I loved. I so hoped to be a positive influence in your life. Variety was so much fun with you and Andy.
As my life transitioned to adult life and responsibilities, we grew apart. I remember how devastated I was when I learned you were smoking. What was happening to my baby sister? Then you went to college and seemed to stray farther. I was losing my sister. But hope reappeared. You married, became pregnant and managed to complete nursing school despite these challenges. For a while things appeared bright. But it wasn’t long until things took a turn for the worse with divorce, job problems. I think you kept me away intentionally.
By the time you were pregnant with Carson, our relationship was virtually non-existent, superficial at best with you only calling when you needed something from me. But still I didn’t know. I didn’t know the extent of the problems you were facing or that you were spiraling down caught in the web of deception known as drugs. How could I have been so blind? You did a great job of manipulating and hiding the truth…until you couldn’t.
Thanksgiving 2008 at PawPaw’s came. Carson was there with momma and daddy. “Where’s Mandy? Where’s Jared?” Mama turned her head and started crying. “They are in jail in Texas.” The scales began to fall from my eyes.
Jail. Rehab. Early rescue by parents. Brief times of appearing sober. Then repeat. How many times? I have no idea. I had no idea.
Christmas 2012-I begged you, pleaded with you to let me get you into Teen Challenge but you insisted that you were clean and sober and didn’t have a drug problem. So why did the cycle repeat?
Fall 2014-Again I learn you were just getting out of rehab…again when your house burned. We were trying to find you a place to help you reestablish and you just left. Back to your old ways and habits.
Then in the spring of 2015, I learned by a video you texted me that you were pregnant. My heart broke a million times. How can you repeatedly get pregnant living the way you do, but I could not? Lots of prayer about that. Then you wrecked while pregnant and Deron said you were still hanging out with drug friends and getting high. Oh, how I prayed for the child you were carrying that God would protect her.
Then she came. July 28, 2015. Oh, how I loved her. You seemed to be doing so well initially after her birth until you went back to Jonesville. Again, you spiraled and ultimately McKenneth came to live with us in January 2016 as you were going to jail yet again. To my knowledge you’ve been back 3 times since that release.
Weeks, months between your contacts as I raise your child as my own.
So, all day long my heart has been heavy reminiscing and imaging what your life could have been and what our relationship could have/should have been. I have held back many tears today. But tonight, on your 40th birthday, I lay in bed rocking and holding my daughter, your daughter, God’s daughter as she went to sleep.
Then it hit me…by holding her I was holding you. I could hold back the tears no longer as I prayed yet again for you, for your salvation, for your deliverance, and for your life. This precious child with all her medical problems and her struggles may be the only way I can ever be close to you. I rocked her as she slept as I cried and cried and prayed for you. I imagined that I was holding you close as I did when you were her age when I was still your big sister and you still looked up to me.